Today, September 26th, is my first ever ‘Mental Health Day’. This is quite an achievement for me, for any modern young adult in fact. I’m twenty-four years of age and I have never (before this day) had to take a day off of work to help with my mental health. I’m not bragging, I’m simply stating that it’s never been something I have truly struggled with, until now. I now realise how hard it is to cope with the thoughts in your head while trying to maintain the life you live. I get up, go to work, come home nine hours later and simply break down. The whole day I am holding in my true emotions, trying hard to cover up my sadness with a happy face. I finally snapped and realized I’ve got to slow down, take a break and have the day off. My mental health is OK, I’m doing OK. I’m struggling with general health issues which are also playing on my mind, that and another 101 things. So today I thought I’d release some thoughts here, have a little chat and talk about my life, and life as a whole.
Let's start with the main problem I’m having at the moment, the top thing on my list of ‘What’s Making Me Feel Like Shit’, and that’s my constant need to be doing a good job in life. When I was at school I had it constantly drilled into me that getting good grades were all I ever needed in life, that I wouldn't succeed without them. I was forever judged by the fact I couldn’t do a simple equation, or that I didn’t know the difference between an acute and obtuse angle. As you could probably tell I didn’t win at school, I wasn’t even close, and that was the first time I failed something. It didn’t feel good, no ones proud of the kid that flunked. I was never academic, it wasn’t for me. I was never going to go to university, I was never going to be that girl. Since then I’ve been at it on my own, I’ve had to set my own goals and achieve them at my pace. Recently, I’ve neglected this by forgetting it’s important to take risks and challenge yourself and not let your mind stop you from doing so. I’ve been feeling unlucky, like nothing ever goes my way. I’m never the one who gets the amazing opportunities, the exciting email or even that unexpected follow, I’m honestly just existing at the moment. I try and try to succeed, I work hard at the things I take on and it doesn’t get me anywhere, and I know what you’re all thinking - oh well that’s not the attitude, but can you blame me?! This girl is trying, trying so hard she’s wiping herself out every single day. I’m forever positive but my light has gone out and I’m in a complete hole of self loathing right now. But seriously, why isn’t it me who gets the good stuff in life? This is all I can hear in my head right now, and it sucks.
I often open up an empty page on my blog, start writing and erase it ten minutes later thinking ‘I don’t have any images to show, products to share, so why am I even doing this?!’ I don’t live the lifestyle of a blogger, and that’s my biggest battle. I am proud of myself for the opportunities I’ve had, I can’t sit here and say I’ve been given nothing to be grateful for because honestly I have! I’m simply having a dry spell, a blank moment, a complete brain meltdown. We live our lives comparing ourselves to others, we are all guilty of that and it’s not a healthy way to live life. Surrounded by ‘Influencers’ who are travelling the world in their designer purchases and fancy rides, how can we not? Why haven’t I got there yet? What am I don't wrong? I’ve finally figured it out, and it’s my attitude. It’s my constant self doubt and loathing that gets me nowhere! It’s a tough pill to swallow and one I’m currently still digesting.
I think that If you’re in a creative field you’ll probably always struggle with these emotions. It’s a huge, competitive environment and not everyone can win but we must try, we’ve got to put everything into what we do and no matter how much we struggle, we can get there. I’m really trying to get myself in a good place both mentally and physically, and start my creative journey up again. I’m fed up of this constant ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling, it’s self destructive and actually a little terrifying.
On that note, I’ve done a couple of cool things recently that have made me feel like I’m getting there. First of all, it’s the shoot you see before you. Me and my boyfriend shot for 7 For All Mankind with one amazing photographer Bach Nguyen. We paired up with the brand as a couple, both having been gifted a some pieces from their latest collection. I was kindly gifted a beautiful suede jacket and a pair of cords (yet to be featured, but they’re coming), while Christian scored a classic denim shirt. Both complimented our style perfectly and worked so well together. It wasn’t the first time Christian has worked with 7 For All Mankind, but it was my first and I’ve got to say they are a phenomenal brand. I’m grateful for the products, as they are sadly out of my price range by being on the more high-end spectrum of the high-street. I adore what they selected for me and am so excited to share our images with you, I for one am in love with them!
This next ones been stressful, it’s sucked everything out of me but it’s been totally worth it. I’ve launched my own clothing site, The Trip. Selling vintage and unique pieces online for you to snatch up! I’ve curated items and formed collections, the first being ‘I’m With the Band’, featuring some super cool band tee’s. The site is everything I am, it’s my heart and soul and I have literally put my all into this project. It’s left me broke and broken-hearted (by the fact I can't keep everything I’m selling), but I hope it will all be worth it in the end. In fact, scratch that, it WILL be worth it. That is the attitude I need to have so someone pinch me every time I doubt my damn self.
Mental health is important, and it’s amazing how open we are all becoming about it. This is the first time I’ve struggled so also the first time I’ve ever spoken about it and it really has helped. Taking to people and even having a cry whenever you need also works wonders. Living with this isn’t a nice feeling, it’s actually horrible one, but one I’m going to go into battle with and conquer!
So even though I’m feeling rather blue at the moment, I’m still trying. Trying HARD. Self doubt is the most normal emotion in the world, but it’s one I myself have to get over. I’m doing great things and living a good life, so I need to stop crapping on myself at every opportunity. Creating a website from nothing but a white empty space, filling it with pieces I love and sharing it with the world is one heck of a thing to do on your own. It was a big step to make and a serious commitment, but I did it. Why am I still feeling like I’m not good enough though? I’m not sure. All I know is I need to keep trying to push myself and create all of the bad-ass content I physically can!
Don’t stop trying to achieve your goals because your mind can’t handle it. Fight it. Take a day off and spend some time on your own, think about life and how you’re going to slay the game. It gets better, it all gets better. Even writing this has given me a slight boost in the right direction. I am proud of what I’ve done so far, I want to make the most of what life has handed me so far. It’s given me the aspiration to start a new business, work with brands and create content.
Before I go, I’d also like to say thanks to my boyfriend who helps me through everything, who is always there for me and brings so much love to my life. I adore that I can work with him over on my blog, it’s pretty fucking special! I’m so in love with this human I don’t know how I can ever be sad. You rule. Thanks for sticking by me.